Written by: Majin Tween
Stephanie McMahon was one of my all-time wrestling crushes. Period. She's bossy, she wears vinyl a lot and is probably a strap-on wielding dominatrix in her off time. I fully support it. But unfortunately, that was 2001.
I don't know exactly what the fuck has happened to Stephanie McMahon. I don't know if she actually underwent a soul-removal procedure or if Corporate America just naturally has that effect on people. But her smile makes me want to change my name to Badger Raccoon. I feel like I'm being threatened. Like she's going to gnaw on my throat and spit the blood in my eyes.
It's ironic that Attitude Era Steph is one of my major fashion inspirations because Millennial Steph wouldn't know how to put together an outfit if the fucking thing was made out of Legos.
And look. I'm not trying to be a cunt. Because Stephanie McMahon can still pull it together. She can look hot. She can still awaken that ancient urge to let her beat the shit out of me. But that's why it pisses me off so much. She chooses to look like a fashion-retarded serial killer.
It's not limited to her face, either. Her chest looks like Vegeta punched it at full force.
Don't think that this is a purely vapid verbal-beating. She's a shitty person. She's admitted to using all of her public appearances for things like cancer, dying children, etc. for press. Which is painfully obvious, and goes back to the smile. She's faking it. She doesn't give a fuck about these smelly dying children. I mean, neither do I. But I'm not going to pretend to for mainstream acceptance. I would punt a child down a staircase for nothing. Because I'm a heel.
My point is: Stephanie McMahon is the Djinn and she absorbs people's smiles like the fucking Wishmaster absorbs souls.