Written by: Raccoon
G4TV is TV 4 Gamers. Or Gamers 4 TV. I guess. I never really understood what G4 stood for but it didn't matter because it sounded cool and it made me feel rad for watching it. But the point is, that network is dead... and I have an insane archive of their shows, bumpers and more. I've always struggled with what to do with it. I did a few online streams of shows, but they never really cracked many viewers. A few hundred tops.
Fast foward to today, I have a site. It's this site. You're on it right now.
It's A webzine. And I'm going to review the series premiere of X-Play.
Yes. I'm going to review a review show. I'm a fucking lunatic.
This show used to be called Extended Play, and I have 11 episodes of that. It's basically the same show but with like, no sense of humor at all. The show changed to X-Play and then it's like "fuck that! Drink a Mountain Dew!"
Now with a new format, but the same wacky hair, it's Adam Sessler!
Seriously. Adam Sessler looks like he just stuck his dick in an electrical outlet. What the fuck is up with that hair, broseph? And your shirt makes you look like you work at a bowling alley, renting people stinky shoes.
The gag of this debut episode is that Adam Sizzler keeps calling it Extended Play, and the disembodied voice keeps screaming at him that it's X-Play now. Get it right, shithead.
I have never witnessed one person try so hard to seem like they have charisma. He wasn't quite settled into his snarky "everything sucks" personality that I enjoy so much. He was a nervous little boy. It's kind of adorable, in a sad microdick kind of way.
Adam explains that on Extended Play, he would often run back and forth to turn the camera on and then run back to start talking. It was a one man show. It obviously wasn't, but that's one of them there humor jokes. Also, notice that the timestamp on that video is March 15th. The day Human Raccoon was created.
As Adam is jerking off how many cameras and production equipment gimmicks there are now, he notices Morgan Webb from The Screensavers sitting on the couch and playing video games.
He's like, "yo bitch. The fuck you doin' in my house?" And she's like "There was a meeting."
It's these damn #MeToo feminists, tryin' to get their stink crevices onto every male entertainment platform!
This article was written by a woman.
Tao Feng: Fist of the Lotus
The first game they're taking a look at is Tao Feng: Fist of the Lotus for Xbox. Now, I don't know anything about this confiddled Xbawks. I still have my Nintendo 64. This modern gaming craze just doesn't hit me. But it looks like Mace the Dark Age, so I'm interested.
According to Adam Sessler, the game is shitty, but it does let you break your bones by blocking moves. So that's cool. I can do that in real life too.
Because Adam is a move-spamming shithead, his friend punches him in the arm.
Adam kills him and mixes his corpse bits into his bowl of Chow Mein.
The game gets a three.......... out of five.
We come back from commercial and Adam asks Morgan how she feels about their first commercial break. She says the Screensavers ones were better because they would get hot oil massages from lingerie wearing lesbians.
I embellished slightly.
Adam goes on to explain the difference between a first person shooter and a squad-based action game. See, in a first person shooter game you're a guy with a gun... but in a squad-based action game... you're a guy with a gun, but you have friends.
Rainbow Six 3: Ravenshield
...wait, Raven Shield?
Whatever, I guess.
The thing that makes this game different is that you apparently have to plot out your path before you take it and also plot one out for your homies, so it requires you to not be retarded. But I am retarded, so I don't care about this game.
Because of this game, Adam Sessler got to go into combat and really shoot people in the cock and balls.
The camera man died at the end of this, by the way.
Morgan asks Adam if he's a big baseball fan. Adam says "that game is played outdoors, so no."
MLB Slugfest 20-04
Dude. You can throw balls at people and hurt them, then beat them up if they don't like it. This game is fucking phenomenal.
Get this for a game concept. You ready?
You're a guy. With a gun.
And, well. That's it. The first episode of X-Play. I feel like I learned a lot about modern gaming. How about you?
No? Well fuck you then.