Donkey Kong Country

Date: October 21st, 2021

Growing up, all my homies played Donkey Kong Country. There was like two of them. It was an epidemic of epic proportions. But despite the Super Nintendo being the first console I ever played, I didn't have one myself because I'm a fake gamer girl. So when my grandma took me to the store and said "alright. You can buy one game and we'll pretend to love you." I decided that Donkey Kong Country on Game Boy Color was the way to go.

Dude. They converted the entire SNES game to GBC in such convincing fashion that you'd swear it was actually an NES game and that there is a God and somehow he gives a shit about your pathetic life.

The menu is ripped straight from Donkey Kong 64, aka the greatest game of all time. So it's already a win. You play as Donkey and Diddy, two monkeys who are here to fuck up some reptile lives. I can't tell if it's a race war or what, but King K. Rool wants to steal all of Donkey's bananas and destroy his island and murder him or whatever. I dunno, I didn't read the booklet. But Donkey isn't about to let this shit slide. He's gotta do something. So he has to venture across his entire island that is for some reason shaped like his own head. As you do.

It's not enough that this is a near-perfect port of the SNES game on GBC hardware: it's got bonus stuff! There's a fishing minigame that I've spent entirely too much time on and some other minigames too that I didn't play hardly at all but rest assured folks: they factually exist.

I fucking love these little monkeys. They fill my heart with joy and my mouth with bananas. Don't let the potassium overload intimidate you: these ravenous monkeys aren't here to shit in their hands and throw it at you! They're here to be your allys and friends. Donkey Kong wouldn't do that to me. I'm shaking and crying. He would never.... ever....

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Hey. You can't be seriously implying that we should play the Game Boy Color version of Donkey Kong Country by Rareware and Licensed by Nintendo of America instead of the Super Nintendo Entertainment System version of Donkey Kong Country by Rareware and Licensed by Nintendo of America." But I am. It's cute as fuck, the little 8 bit music is adorable and I will punch anyone who disagrees in the chest.

Plus... it's in COLOR. Hence Game Boy COLOR. Does the SNES have color? I don't think so. Otherwise it would be called the Super Nintendo Color System. And then the initials would be SNCS. And then weird people who pronounce "SNES" as "Sness" instead of "S-N-E-S" like it's supposed to be would have to call it "Snacks" or some shit and really piss me off.

I'm like Jeff Jarrett. You don't piss me off, kid. Fucking rubes. Stop turning acronyms into words. I'll cry. I'llc cry and throw a tantrum right now.