Pokemon Red

Date: December 28th, 2021

What do you like to play? Pokemon? Pokemon? Pokemon? Pokemon?

I found out through being a part of the Facebook Page Community back in 2010 that "genwunner" is a slur people use to describe people who only like/care about Pokemon's first generation (Red/Blue), but I'm not one of THOSE people... I like Gold too.

The day I got Pokemon Red was a strange one. It was the year 2000, we had just moved into this giant house with this rich lady my mom knew and all of her stoner friends. It was like The Suite Life in a house, and probably the best year of my childhood.

I got to play PlayStation with 20-somethings, which seemed really old at the time, but now that I'm nearing 30 while still feeling like a dumb little baby idiot, I realize that's dumb.

I had an atomic purple Game Boy Color that I mostly played games like Super Mario Land 2, Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2 and Mary-Kate and Ashley's Pocket Planner.

That's not a game.

Hey. Shut up.

Anyway. When we first got to this big ol' house in the middle of Woodland, I got told there was this guy there I "needed to meet." It was like getting ushered in to meet the president. But it was just some dude that looked like Monk.

He asked me, "I got told you like Pokemon, but don't have any of the games."

"Yeah. I just watch the cartoon."

"Oh, interesting. Because I have two games. Pokemon Red and Pokemon Blue. They're both technically the same game, so I don't actually need two copies of it. Would you like one?"


He held out the two games. One in each hand, like pills in The Matrix, and told me to pick whichever one I wanted.

I picked Red, he handed it to me, and I got hooked.

Now, a lot of you know I grew up a big Digimon fan. My memory sucks too hard to have all the Digimon memorized like I used to, so I don't tend to flex stuff like that too much because someone will be like "YOU DON'T KNOW THAT DOGMON DRANK HIS OWN PISS IN FRONTIER!? FAKE FAN!"

I ain't dealin' with that shiet.

But anyway. I got obsessed with playing Pokemon Red. The music, the little sprite guy with the hat (who I named Gumm and gave this really edgy lore-filled backstory in my head) and I played it religiously.

I never really got into RPGs, but Pokemon Red was my jam. It was my peanut butter too.

You capture animals in balls and make them cock fight. It's glorious. It's legit just animal cruelty and slavery but put in a cute form so anyone can like it. I live for this shit.

My favorite Pokemon is Haunter, my starter is always Squirtle and I will always walk around in circles in the forest in the beginning trying to catch a Pikachu. Every damn time.

So yeah. Pokemon Red is the shit. Go play it. Then play Gold. Asshole.