Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!

Date: October 2nd, 2021

Dr. Girlfriend and I have been watching Mike Tyson's entire career retrospective, courtesy of ESPN Classic. It's so satisfying watching this dude punch people in the face.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I'd totally beat him in a one-on-one fist fight.

You can't even reach the paper plates on top of the fridge.

And you can't even type without my fingers so fuck off.

Anyway. When I think of Mike Tyson, I think of Mike Tyson's Mysteries, his appearance in the WWF, and of course: Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!

(with two exclamation points! That's important!!)

I gotta put it on record right now: I suck balls. Also, I'm not good at this game. Terrible, even. I can't do pattern recognition. If I could, I wouldn't be a drug addict. But folks, all kitten aside, this game is the cat's pajamas. Don't sleep on it. You can punch a dude right in his stupid ugly face. Just like in real life.

You play as Little Mac: which originally meant a small computer with only one mouse button, but in this case it's a small Italian man. Which reminds me of the time I was in line at Subway (ready to get the Raccoon Special: a turkey and ham spinach wrap with red hots, spinach, onion, pickles, jalepenos, black olives, nanner peps, creamy sriracha, brown mustard, yellow mustard and chipotle southwest.)

Anyway. In the game, you go through the ranks to keep getting trophies and knockin' bitch ass pussies the fuck out. It's probably the greatest boxing game of all time, although I do also like Ready 2 Rumble. But that's a review for another time. I ain't gonna sit here and betray my original vision. That's for cowards named James Rolfe.

Your first opponent is Glass Joe, who is named such because he's made of glass. One punch, shatters everywhere. Then Abyss comes in, puts his remnants in a bag and then pours them back out onto the mat. I know that sounds redundant but he's a good boy and he wants his moment so let him have it, you judgmental cunt.

Then we have Von Kaiser, a Nazi. Then we have Piston Honda... wait. You did what in your Honda!?

Did you really just steal a Larry the Cable Guy joke from the Pixar movie Cars? You want to be one of the great comedians and you pull that!?

Hey man. Listen. It's 2005. These things happen.

Then you move onto the Major Circuit, where you fight Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder.

I'm teasing, of course. You fight Don Flamenco, famed pedophile. Then you move onto King Hippo: a fat man who has no business being alive. I hate overweight people. I believe they should all die of natural causes prematurely due to their hearts not being able to keep up with their profound girth and influx of toxins... oh wait, that's gonna happen to them anyway.

Then you fight Great Tiger, then Bald Bull. If I had a nickel for every bald bull I've seen getting fluffed by a great tiger. God, bestiality porn is weird. Butt fuck it. Then we move onto the World Circuit. You get a rematch against Piston Honda because they ran out of ideas. Then you fight Soda Popinski, who is actually a renamed character from the original arcade game. He was originally know as Beverage Bart.

Moving along, you fight Bald Bull and Don Flamenco in rematches. Nintendo developers were busy masturbating to pictures of Mike Tyson all sweaty and such, wishing that he would fuck them until they love him.

Then you go up against Mr. Sandman and Super Macho Man. Which is ironic since those are two iconic wrestlers. Now they're boxers! Just like the underwear of men with big, throbbing penises. Like my neighbor, apparently. Since I found a magnum condom in the grass while I was walking home the other day. But which neighbor is it? It's a Cinderella's glass slipper situation, for sure.

Then, you get to fight him. The man. The king. The convicted rapist. The man with more feminine voice than I have, and I'm a woman for fuck sake. It's Mike Tyson! (who they named the chicken nuggets after).

You ain't gonna beat him unless you read Nintendo Power: so if you're not subscribed: kill yourself.