Super Mario Bros. 64

Date: March 15th, 2021

Super Mario Bros. is the most classic video game of all time. Ignore Pong, Frogger and throwing water balloons full of cat piss off your roof onto people's heads. Those are fun, but Super Mario Bros. was the one that really set the stage for games to become super fun platforming adventures!

Sure. Video games that come out nowadays fucking suck. But that's not the point. And we're not even going all the way back to the NES. That would be a waste of energy. I can't time travel that far. I have a very delicate bone structure. So instead, we're going to play the port of Super Mario Bros. that Kaze Emanuar made for the Nintendo 64.

This port is amazing. It takes the Super Mario 64 engine, makes it function in 2D and recreates all the levels from Super Mario Bros. That rules! The Nintendo 64 definitely needed more sidescrolling games. The ones that it did have up to this point were very good, and we deserve more.

You can play as Mario, Luigi, Waluigi and Wario. The only real difference is they have different jump heights. Mario's the only one that feels natural. Luigi and Waluigi jump like they're wearing fucking moon shoes and Wario is such a fat fuck he can't even reach the blocks half the time.

Speaking of blocks, did you know that according to the lore in the booklet of the game, all the inhabitans of the mushroom kingdom were turned into blocks?

Yeah. The same blocks you destroy regularly. You murder innocent, comatose people. That rules so hard.

PopoTip: Violence solves nothing. Leave the goombas to their blissful life of walking around without a thought in their heads: you can run past them and complete your goals without booping their noggins!

This is a game that requires the Everdrive 64. So go download it, put it on there and play it. It's really satisfying. Even when you die. The deaths are so brutal that you'll end up flying and smacking around. You'll almost start throwing the game just to see how much you can fuck yourself up. It's awesome. I love violence.