Space Pinball

Date: July 16th, 2021

If you've ever used a computer that didn't have internet hooked up to it, you've probably played 3D Space Cadet Pinball. It's a staple of old Windows builds.

I dunno if new versions of Windows have it because I haven't updated my computer in 20 years.

So as some of you are already aware of, I have a smart phone now. I think the name is a farce. They didn't administer an IQ test before they sent it to me. They just let me have it, and I'm pretty fuckin' dumb. Mine should be called a Dumb Phone. Am I right, folks?

I got one of them Millennial Apps that the kids are nutty as squirrel shit over. It's called Space Pinball, and it's the exact same table from the Windows one ported onto the phone so you can vibe out and pretend you're cool enough to use a computer even though you're stuck on a shitty phone at work while there's nothing to do because of the employement crisis going on in these United States.

Oddly specific struggles that everyone can relate to at the time this article was written aside, this port is solid. I don't like touch screen controls but they made it not matter because all you gotta do is tap on either side of the screen to use the little flipper thingers. It says a lot that I can do anything on it because I have the brain of an elderly person when it comes to technology. I should have a Jitterbug instead of an Android.

When I want to play pinball and I don't have the mental energy to keep up with Mario Pinball Land's insane storylines or Pinball of the Dead's grueseme, grotesque guffery... well, friends, I think I know where to go. Where everybody knows my name. And they're awfully glad I came.

Oh btw... it has all the original sounds and music too. Not in the same soundfont but it's a .midi conversion so naturally shit happens.