Super Mario 64

Date: October 29th, 2021

I read this story about a girl who was trying to adopt a baby in between her cancer diagnosis and starting chemotherapy.

Which, I dunno how long that kinda shit takes. But the visual I have in my head is like, someone is waiting for the bus and they look at their watch. They look up at a mom holding a baby and go, "hey can I have that?" The mom goes "what!? No!" and then the person goes "okay", turns, and the bus arrives in perfect timing.

Anyway. Super Mario 64 has become the Doom of this generation.

The most heavily modded N64 game ever, which is something I've been waiting for my whole life.

I spent forever trying to figure out how to unlock Luigi in Super Mario 64, trying to get the Triforce in Ocarina of Time, etc. I'd get on my grandma's computer, fire up the fansites that claimed that you can totally unlock Luigi if you just get all the stars, copy the save to all 4 slots, open the second file, run counter-clockwise around the fountain in the courtyard 64 times and then jump up and pound-the-ground on the star in the center of the pond and Luigi will appear and give you twenty dollars.

Obviously, that's a crock of hot garbage. But young me wanted to believe. But now, it's a new era. You can download ROM hacks that not only let you play as Luigi, Peach, etc. but you can play in all-new worlds and more. You can play as a fidget spinner. You can storm Donald Trump's anti-Mexican wall. It's a brave new world for Mario to travel through... but that's not what we're doing here.

Much like Digimon: The Movie told us... it's time to gooooo baaaack to the beginning.

So here's the story. It's Super Mario 64. Princess Peach has been kidnapped by Bowser, and her castle has been turned into a horrific abandoned wonderland of chaotic magical drawings that you can jump into and adventure through. How did that happen? Because power stars. Idiot. What other explanation could there be?

I'm gonna try to keep the jokes rolling... God, I hope I don't bomb.

Bob-Omb Battlefield

Speaking of bombs: this is Bob-Omb Battlefield!

A literal warzone where the blacks and the pinks are fighting with each other despite otherwise being exactly the same. Just like in real life, maaaan.

King Bob-Omb is a big black bastard at the top of the mountain, who you have to run up and kick the shit out of. Grab his ass, cop a feel and throw him until his spine gives out and he explodes. Literally. It rules. Homeboy dies and then he's just rolling back and forth as a deceased bowling ball after that. God rest his soul.

Koopa the Quick shows up next, and you wind up having to race against him. Good thing he's not a king too. Then he'd be King Koopa the Kwik. That's KKK, and that's the sex number. Inappropriate.

Listen. This level has a message attached to it: it doesn't matter what color you are. All that matters is that you blow up and cause extensive injury to Italians.

Whomp's Fortress

Here's my kind of level: you can get stoned!

Alright. Alright. That joke sucked. Don't throw rocks at me.

There's a big block dude who you have to kill with your ass who lives on top, and then after you do a tower juts out of the top and you can climb it and stuff. It's one of the cutest levels in the game.

Dare I say it... rocks!?

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

There's an owl who you can grab the penis of and dangle from it while he flies around in wretching agony, so do that sometime and you might be able to drop yourself into a cage.

And despite all your rage, you'll only find a star in the cage.

Jolly Roger Bay

I dunno who Jolly Roger is, but according to the Gen Z chick who made this level, it is bay.

You get to get chased around by a horrific eel, but that's no problem. You can eat that bitch alive.

I'm sorry you had to see that.

Twice, actually. That joke was already done on raCcoOnTV.

All the great comedians repeat jokes. I'm just like George Carlin.

No you are not.

You're right, because I'm still alive.

Anyway. There's all kinds of water stuff here. Treasure chests, fish, water, goombas, more water. It's all here, folks. This level has it all... plus the best song in the game's entire soundtrack.

FFfffffawk yeah!

Cool, Cool Mountain

Yeah. You can throw a baby penguin off a cliff. Everyone does it. I'm not doing the bit. Everyone makes this reference and it's getting old, maaaan.

You race penguins. You save penguins. You race-bait penguins. You shave penguins... and at some point you end up having to run away from a giant snowball like Indiana Jones and make it land on another snowball to make a snowman who's like "yo thanks fam. here's a star. buy my mixtape." Stupid fucking gen Z penguins.

Big Boo's Haunt

Tss. More like big BOOZE haunt or somethin'. Tss.

Get it? Because I'm an alcoholic.

No you're not.

This one's full of GHOSTS! Eeek! It's all Hallows Eve(ish) folks. This is a topical level. Like ointment. Oink mints. Pigs with bad breath. I'm onto something here.

Yeah. Onto the next sentence! Booyah!

You mostly run around and punch ghosts right in their stupid dead faces. There's big ghosts, little ghosts. The whole range of ghost sizes are covered like a woman in Saudi Arabia.

There's haunted books that fly at you, there's a living, breathing piano with teeth that scares the everloving shit out of me, and there's GHOSTS!!!!

Eeek!

Hazy Maze Cave

I read an online rumor once that this is supposed to be the plumbing system to Princess Peach's castle. The rolling rocks are turds, it's shaped like a toilet, and it's full of toxins and such... and leads to a waterfall, which could mean that's it's squirting out all the toxins into some delicious water for you to drink.

It all makes sense, except for one thing: girls don't poop, so Princess Peach wouldn't have a toilet in her castle. Checkmate, Atheists.

Lethal Lava Land

Damn! This place is on fire! Wait, sorry. I was looking at the current state of my life.

This place is on lava. Or, it's full of lava. Things can't be on lava.

Well I mean, the platforms are on lava. I lahv it. ^_^

There's little guys walking around called "bullies." They're black canonball guys with little legs and horns on their heads that you bump around and throw into lava and then they explode, scream in Godless agony and reward you with coins! Yay!!!

You can leap into a volcano and run around, which is insane. What a concept. Normally if you leap into a volcano you just incinerate and die. On an unrelated note, I'm headed to Mt. St. Helens on vacation.

Shifting Sand Land

Hey, did you like Lethal Lava Land? Do you wish you could hear that music while you're standing around in a bunch of sand? Well we've got the level for you, muthafucka.

In this level, instead of jumping into a volcano, you can jump into a pyramid! But you can tell this is long after the Egyptian origins since there's no slaves inside the pyramid... well, except for the goombas. Are goombas a metaphor for slaves? Is that why they do whatever Bowser says? Is Mario killing slaves? Is this some Django Unchained shit?

There are giant fists that you end up having to fight that have eyeballs on their palms like Victoria's 2003 WWE titantron.

There's also a giant bird that steals your hat, just like in real life.

Dire, Dire Docks

After spending so much time within lava and sand, a boy can get thirsty. So it's appropriate that the next level in the game is Dire, Dire Docks.

Now, everyone knows that docking is when two guys touch dick tips and one engulfs the other in their foreskin. That's common knowledge. It's Americana at this point. But not many know that docks are also a wooden platform that lets you stand over water. The more you know.

Bowser has a big ol' submarine that you climb and get a star that's on top of. After you do that, the submarine disappears and a big hole opens up in the side of the world. Bowser has escaped in a submarine. I didn't even know he had a license to drive one. How does this guy get his budget? He builds his own castles, submarines, flying warships... like... what does Bowser do for a living? Is he a doctor? Does Princess Peach help pay for these things? Does she do it voluntarily? Has she even been kidnapped? Is Mario just a jilted lover who won't let Peach move on with her life? Is Peach a furry? Or wait, a scaley? That's what it's called when someone wants to fuck lizard people. I learned that on the computer.

Snowman's Land

Alright, these people are clearly starting to just give up. This is just another snow level but with shit from Lethal Lava Land thrown in with a snow theme.

It's the bullies again, but they're made of ice this time. There's a giant snowman who blows you.

...what? I'm right.

Instead of going inside a volcano, or a pyramid, or Sasha Grey's butthole, you go inside an igloo!

Yeah. Whatever.

Wet-Dry World

This place is genuinely unnerving. I'm not one of those people who is like "gah that's spooky!!!!" about gay shit like video game levels or moving, but this level feels unfinished. It feels emptier than all the other levels, the music feels creepy... fuck it. Just watch this guy talk about it:

Yeah. I'm outsourcing my articles now. Suck it.

Tall, Tall Mountain

This mountain is tall. You don't get that with other mountains.

There's a fuckin' monkey who steals your hat, for fuck sake. That's insane. You don't get that with other monkeys.

Most of the time spent here is jumping on mushrooms and climbing vines. Kinda like how the girls on Vine are always hoppin' on mushrooms.

Get it? Because they're whores?

God. I'm so clever and hilarious. This article is gonna be a classic to the three people who skim it for 30 seconds and pretend to like the site.

There's a secret slide here too. You can fall through the wall and it'll go all warpaoapsdoaptdj like it's made of jelly and then you can vibe on through to the other side. It's like taking DXM... on acid, maaaaan.

Tiny-Huge Island

This level has two modes. One where you're tiny and everything is bigger than you. You can't reach anything on the top of the fridge. Tall people mock you and call you shit like "leprechuan" and "your mother didn't love you growing up." But then, you can jump into a pipe and turn all big and shit and now everyone's smaller than you! Crush them beneath your feet! Make them suffer! KILL THEM, JASON. KILL THEM FOR MOMMY.

Oh, sorry. I've been watching gameplay videos of the Friday the 13th game. Looks fucking terrible.

Oh yeah. There's two paintings you can go into for this level that dictate whether or not you start big or small. Dictate sounds like when you shove your penis inside a bowl of mashed potatoes.

There's another footrace with Koopa the Quick too, so if you want to feel like a fat slow piece of human garbage, you got it dude!

Tick Tock Clock

Have you ever been looking at the clock and thought... man. I'd really like to get inside that shit.

Thanks to the magic of the most frustrating level in the game: you can!

This level will kick your ass into your pussy and fuck your face. It's brutal.

I can't even put into words how brutal this level is... and I love it. I only wish the entire game were this brutal. I love the Mario 64 ROM hacks that just make insane parkour-esque platforming stages where you're likely to eat shit and fall to your death, and this level has that vibe. It's like towards the end of the game, a level developer was just like "...you know what? FUCK them kids."

Rainbow Ride

The final level. The finale. The end. It's like Heaven, if Heaven was made by a fucking sadist. This shit's insane. It's like a Super Mario Bros. 3 level. I fall to my death so many times in this level. It kicks my fucking ass. And it just begs the question... WHY WASN'T THE WHOLE GAME LIKE THIS? The difficulty spike in the last two levels is fucking awesome. It's so brutal. Why couldn't EVERY level be this goddamn insane?

But, I do have to point out that some stuff was skipped. I just focused on the official "courses" of the game. There's three Bowser stages, some random slides and courses to get power-up caps, little red coin gimmick areas. They're all pretty cool. But how fucking long do you want this article to be? I'm writing a fucking novel over here.

Fine. You want something snazzy to end on? Somethin' to wet your beak? Somethin' to get you all hot and bothered!?

Fine! Here's a screenshot of Bowser in the game.

God... what a fat bastard.

Gross.