Super Mario 64

Date: July 6th, 2020

Written by: Majin Tween

Super Mario 64 is a glorified scavenger hunt that alleges to have some layer of difficulty that I really can't find. Like, the graphics are cute. The music is good. But there's almost no challenge if you know where everything is. Dying in this game is like getting struck by thunder. It's impossible.

This game represents my childhood... well, mainly playing it in my living room while my mom and her boyfriend scream at each other or smoke weed. Somehow they'd smoke weed and still scream at each other. It's nuts. I can barely muster the energy to say a sentence when I'm sober, let alone when I'm blazed out of my mind. I clearly didn't get her genetics in that way.

Wow, that really has nothing to do with this game at all. Anyway.

Okay. So, you're Mario. Unless you get the hack I'm playing by Kaze Emanuar which lets you play as Peach, Rosalina, Toad and Luigi too. But back in the day, we didn't have that. So really, the 90s were shit compared to today. There. I said it.

This game was made with the same technology as Toy Story. I mean, that's what I heard on a public access show once. I've got not fucking clue if it's true or not. I'm not gonna fact check it either. Go fuck yourself. Do your own research. Don't be a sheep.

I've always loved Princess Peach. If I could pull it off, I'd totally dress like her every day. But I can't. Which is why I dress like a goth whore. It's all I can pull off. But Princess Peach can pull off anything: including my clothes. Come get it, baby.

The story is as follows: Bowser kidnapped Peach and sealed away stars in the paintings that grant Mario access to future worlds. Why he did that, I have no idea. Why would you give Mario a way to get to you? Just kidnap the princess and fuck her for a while. Creating a way to get your shit pushed in is retarded. It's like Bowser wants to get caught.

Like I said. This game is stupid easy. The speedrunning scene has breathed new life into it though, and in that regard, it has a lot of replayability. But I'm no speedrunner. I don't even know how to do that ridiculous backwards long jump thing they do. It's bonkers. All I can do is jump over goombas and lie to police officers about my sobriety.

This game's pretty cool.