Super Mario Bros.
Date: July 5th, 2020
Written by: Majin Tween
Note: The version of Super Mario Bros. being played for this review is a hack that allows you to play as Princess Toadstool. Aside from that, this game is 100% unaltered from it's original state.
This is the game that started it all. You see, before Super Mario Bros. came out on the NES, games were pretty simple. They didn't have dragons kidnapping women, only to be able to be saved by fat italian plumbers. No, before that, games were very unrealistic. They were all like "smack a ball between two paddles" and "make burgers." There's a snowballs chance in hell of me ever making food for anyone. I don't care if you call it a game. Make your own burger, fuckstick.
The story is that Bowser and his minions showed up in the Mushroom Kingdom and turned the civillians into bricks and stones. Yes, those same stones and bricks that you destroy with your own skull. You've murdered more people playing Super Mario Bros. than you have in Grand Theft Auto.
According to the booklet, the only person who can possibly undo this awful shit that's been done to these poor fucks is Princess Toadstool... but she's been kidnapped! Dastardly!
But even if she weren't kidnapped, you'd still have to deal with the fact that you destroyed a shit load of these bricks. These people are fucking dead. And unless Princess Toadstool has necromancer powers, they're fucked. And it's your fault. You did that.
The game has three different level types: outside, underground and inside water. It has more variety than Kristen Stewart's attempts at acting.
The controls are pretty solid too. You can run, jump, hop, skip, leap and even run away from danger like a coward. I prefer the latter, personally. I'm not trying to die.
This game is very simple, very fun and very much worth it's original hype. What's also cool is thanks to Kaze Emanuar, you can play an updated version of it on the Nintendo 64 using the Super Mario 64 engine! We'll have a review of that version up soon, so stay tuned.