Super Mario Kart

Date: October 4th, 2021

There is an unemployment crisis plaguing the Eskimo people.

Yeah. They can't fill out online job applications because their computers are frozen.

...sorry, was that cold?

Anyway. Mario Kart is a pretty big deal. People like seeing beloved characters sit in go-karts and drive fast. Who doesn't? It's one of life's simplest pleasures. Just like alcohol. But folks, the way it all started wasn't so glamorous.

When I think of the best Mario Kart games, I think Mario Kart 64. Mario Kart Wii. Mario Kart Double Dash. Those are damn fine games and I will buy my corporate Nintendo overlords a drink. But for the sake of all that is holy, this original Mario Kart game... it's so close to good. It really is. It's like right there.

I loved Mario Kart: Super Circuit for Gameboy Advance. It's a similar concept to this one. But one thing bothers the immeasurable shit out of me when it comes to this SNES original:

There is a split screen on the game that takes up literally 50% of the screen.

Are you fucking my face right now? Are you shitting in a bowl and eating it? Who the fuck do you think you are? This should be an option maybe. Like, hit a button and toggle it. But no. It's just there. 24/7. Standing there. Menacingly. Mocking your every move. Calling you a bitch. Sending you naked pictures of your ex-girlfriend. It's bullshit and I won't stand for it.

Fuck Super Mario Kart. It is a disgrace to Princess Peach's glory.