Super Mario Land

Date: October 12th, 2021

Have you ever been playing Super Mario Bros. and thought, "man... I wish this shit was in black and white and based on some weird surrealist fan fiction where Mario goes to Egypt and fights a giant spider?"

Well buckle up, buttercup! This is Super Mario Land for the Game Boy. It's conceptually a mess, but still delightful in spite of it making absolutely no sense in the Mario universe.

But don't worry- there's a mod that puts this game in color!

Does it make the game better? Yes! Because color is good. There. I said it.

In this game you're trying to save Princess Daisy. Maybe it's based on the Super Mario Bros. live action movie. I do love me some Princess Daisy. She's spunky with a can-do attitude. I always wanted to be like her.

Hopefully I don't turn into a grotesque spider and hop away while Mario screams "oh Daisy!"

Let's take a look at the story and see if we can make heads or tails of this wacky situation.

Once upon a time, there was a peaceful world called Sarasaland. In this world there were 4 kingdoms named Birabuto, Muda, Easton and Chai. One day, the skies of Sarasaland were suddenly covered by a huge black cloud. From a crack in this cloud, the unknown space monster Tatanga emerged to try to conquer Sarasaland. Tatanga hypnotized the people of all the kingdoms so that he could control them in any way he liked. In this way he took over Sarasaland. Now, he wants to marry Princess Daisy of Sarasaland and make her his queen. Mario came to know of these events, and he has started on a journey to the Chai Kingdom where Princess Daisy is held captive, in order to restore peace to Sarasaland. Can Mario defeat Tatanga, release people from his interstellar hypnosis, and rescue Princess Daisy? It's all up to you and Mario's skill. Go for it Mario!

...damn! Princess Daisy is a victim of MK Ultra mind control! Just like every female celebrity ever! Fuck! We gotta save Daisy and Billie Eilish!

The game has palm trees everywhere, which ties it into the Super Mario Sunshine lore. I mean, I'm mostly making that up but it's also true.

You fight enemies like Easter Island heads, the vague idea of pirahna plants, koopa troopas that turn into bombs when you jump on them (haha good luck if you didn't know that when you started playing, fuckhead. Thought you could jump on the shell? Only thing you're jumping on is a bunch of shrapnel in your adam's apple, bucko.)

There's giant bugs, Sphinxes, sea horses, octopi, easter island heads with wings, giant upside down fists... yeah. All the classic Mario enemies are here, folks. This game is totes loyal to it's source material and totally shouldn't have been made into a different IP to give birth to a new creative concept in video games. Fuck it. Just make some unrelated nonsense, slap Mario on it and you're good to go.

Nintendo loves doing this. Just betraying their own vision and shoving their characters into unrelated scenarios.

Oh yeah! And the game doesn't have Goombas. They have Goombos. With an O. And when you realize it, you'll say "o" and your mouth will go into the shape of an O... but be careful! Because Mario might shove his cock in there and fuck your stupid face.

God you're such a whore.