Super Mario Land 2: Six Golden Coins

Date: October 13th, 2021

Super Mario Land 2: Six Golden Coins was a game I bought at GameCrazy many moons ago. I was fuckin' hooked on it, bro.

I had already owned Super Mario Land, which I got at the same store, and I absolutely never beat it because I suck at video games. But I did beat the second one. Why? Because it's retardedly easy.

Yeah. This game has no challenge to it until you get to the final castle with Wario. And... God. I hate Wario. A lot. He's so gross. I don't like real life smelly fat people, you think I'm gonna vibe with a fictional one? I use video games to escape. I want to pretend people dress like princesses and smell good. I don't need a reminder that I'm surrounded by haggard fucks who walk up to me in public and ask me questions like "what're you so dressed up for!? Where ya headed!?" Like you need a reason to put in 100% every day.

Fucking slobs. I hate this godless world.

According to the booklet, this is the story:

While I was away crusading against the mystery alien Tatanga in Sarasa Land, an evil creep took over my castle and put the people of Mario Land under his control with a magic spell. The intruder goes by the name of Wario. He has been jealous of my popularity ever since we were boys, and has tried to steal my castle many times. It seems he has succeeded this time. Wario has scattered the 6 Golden Coins from my castle all over Mario Land. These Golden Coins are guarded by those under Wario's spell. Without these coins, we can't get into the castle to deal with Wario. We must collect the 6 coins, attack Wario in the castle, and save everybody!

...so... yeah. Wario hijacked the castle while Mario was out punching the shit out of bugs to get Princess Daisy to give him the ol' in-out in-out. And to be fair, I'd give up an entire castle to hook up with her too.

I wouldn't need booze either because I ain't gonna ghost her.

Get it? Booze? Boos? Ah fuck it.

The first world is Tree World. You get to run and jump through a forest and trees and stuff. Pretty cool. I love trees. They're green and brown, just like the snacks left behind in a baby's diaper. The main boss of this world is named Big Bird... but it's not THAT Big Bird.

But that would be pretty cool.

Look at this crazy fucker with a guitar. I bet he slams it over Mario's stupid fat head. Idiot.

Then you head into Turtle Zone! No, it's not about a turd poking out of Big Bird's ass. It's an underwater series of levels where you gotta swim through the inside of a turtle. Why? I dunno. You enter his mouth (giggidy) and eventually adventure far enough to venture a shot at fighting an octopus inside of a giant whale.

...why is there so much "going inside" living beings in this? This is kinda sexual. This is some vore shit.

I mean, there's also the Mario zone, where you go inside a giant robotic Mario. So Mario literally goes inside himself. That's fucking disgusting. I'd rather see Daisy go inside herself.

Sorry. I just want Daisy to be my wife.

Sorry. That was petty and small. Speaking of small though, then we have the Micro Zone! No wait, it's Macro Zone. Fuck. I fucked up. This whole review is ruined. I'm such a fucking idiot. Daisy is going to divorce me. I hate myself. God damn it.

Uh, anyway. You get shrunk down super small and adventure around Stuart Little style. Then you fight a giant sewer rat.

Well. Not a giant sewer rat. A regular sized sewer rat. You're just a small boy, you have no sympathy.

This level is easy come, easy go. It's fun to play if you're a little high and don't mind feeling a little low. You can go anywhere the wind blows. It doesn't really matter to me.

...oh fuck! It's October! So let's talk about the Pumpkin Zone!

There's pumpkins!

You go inside a giant Jack-o-Lantern. It's all spooky and stuff, and the final boss is a witch! Ahhh! Sorry. I got spooked just thinkin' about it.

The final world before the castle of sadness is the Space Zone, where you get dressed up like an astronaut and bounce around in outer space. Pretty cool. Makes me want to watch Jason X, since we went from spook to space.

Jason X is the best Friday the 13th movie.

Not sorry.