Date: July 23rd, 2021

It is a tale as old as time: a man who likes to rhyme trapped inside a straight line of crime. If he was a mime, he'd be fine. Wouldn't have to come up with lines.

But he's no geek. He's not weak, and he can speak. He's on fleek and... ugh. This reeks. I'm not doing this sheeeit.

8 Mile is a movie about a guy who likes to say words that rhyme in succession. It may seem like the autobiographical story of Marshall Mallows, but rest assured: it's not. Just because it is about a white rapper who grew up in 8 Mile in Detroit and has woman problems and a little girl he has to look after and much of his life is affected by his crazy mother... that ain't nothin, son. Don't you peak behind that curtain call: the hits.

I was gonna become a rap battler myself, y'know. I had all these rhymes written about how my opponents are cowards, but I get social anxiety and I don't like crowds. So I just say it online instead. It's easier anyway. You don't have to think of words that rhyme. Just say rude things to people. Way easier.

This is just a movie to make women touch Eminem's boner penis at live shows. Marketing sympathy. Nobody has dreams or aspirations, and nobody ever struggles. This movie is fake. Eminem was created in a laboratory with test tubes and dope bars of soap.

Look. You got a dream. You gotta follow that sh---

Oh, you don't have a dream?

Oh. Well... hm. I guess I hadn't accounted for that.

Well then I guess you really wouldn't like this movie

It's all about giving a shit where your life goes and having goals and aspirations for yourself. Didn't mean to interrupt grinding your Animal Crossing town for fossils for the millionth day in a row while you get sick of their repeating lines of dialogue and wait for the next game to come out.

My bad. That's on me. I'm the fucking problem.