Date: September 22nd, 2021

I think by now the entire Raccooniverse knows that I'm a Raimi Trilogy Loyalist. I adore all three of the original Spider-Man movies to death and I could watch them on loop every day of my life until I pass away of natural causes (aka a drug overdose.) They're my jam. So I was obviously pretty disappointed when Spider-Man 4 got cancelled in favor of a reboot. I don't go for that, son. I ain't about that life.

HOWEVER. I still gave it a shot. This is when I was still isolated in the woods away from society, but I had finally gotten a laptop after about ten years, so I was in my grand return to the internet phase of my life (aside from using my grandma's computer to blog on MySpace on the weekends and using my PSP's internet browser to leech wifi off the neighbors.)

I downloaded a fan cam of someone in the theater watching The Amazing Spider-Man and watched it on a cold, dark night. And honestly? Didn't hate it. I wanted to love it, but I didn't, but I didn't hate it either.

Andrew Garfield is an adorable little boy. I read a story that he cried when he got to wear the Spider-Man costume and I gushed like an idiot because that's the cutest shit I ever heard. He is a pure and delightful child. But this movie is mostly shitty. But that doesn't mean I hated it. I just didn't like it.

So, Peter Parkour in this movie isn't bitten by a radioactive spider. He's locked in some science shit he broke into like a hoodlum and gets all science'd and shit and gains spider powers via that. Upon getting his powers, he becomes a dickhead. Bullying a nice young man who plays basketball, bothering local neighborhood boys who are just trying to get some spare money. He's a menace! A criminal! A vigilante!

Anyway. Most of the movie is spent with Peter flirting with Gwen Stacy. Which, don't get me wrong. They're a nice couple. I'd watch them make out while hiding in their closet and eating snacks I stole from their kitchen, no doubt. But I subscribed to a Spider-Man experience and I barely got it.

At least it's got the dude from Little Nicky who played Adrian. God I love Little Nicky. It's a way better movie than this.

Oh yeah! And it's got Denis Leary!

You know, people always say that Denis Leary stole Bill Hicks' jokes. But I disagree: Bill Hicks didn't tell jokes. He just screamed his opinions at people on stage and wondered why he wasn't more successful. Then he got cancer and died. The end.

Anyway. Back to a real Spider-Man movie.
Donate BTC: 3N2Q5AHR8hrc3tpEU1FzDvE1tqCpsEMJtS
Got a project you want to see promoted on HumanRaccoon?
Just include it in the donation note / RedBubble message and I'll include it in the next episode.