Date: November 30th, 2021

Hackers is one of the greatest movies of all time. The first genuine, true depiction of what it's like to hack the Gibson.

The story opens with a child named Zero Cool (aka Dade) who got in trub trubs for hacking into computers and such.

I can relate to him, because I too am zero (percent) cool.

Fast forward to today times, he's all growed up like a fuckin' Rugrat. And he's celebrating his newfound agedom with getting on the computer for the first time since being legally barred from doing so... but he comes back just as talented as hacking as he ever was. As if technology hasn't evolved whatsoever in 10 years. Dude's a savant.

Like all high school students, Dade is like 30. But when he arrives at his NEW SCHOOL!!!, he meets Angelina Jolie and gets a big ol' boner in his pants. She's got probably the worst hairstyle she's ever had in this movie and for some reason it's the most attractive I've ever found her. I love girls with bad haircuts. They delight me.

Anyway. They end up going back and forth with various pranks. "There's a pool on the roof" and such. Dude goes out there, gets rained on like a motherfucker. Get shredded, dumbass. But then he turns the sprinklers on and says "the pool on the roof must have a leak."

Good shit. Oh, and sorry for the spoilers. I actually just ruined the entire movie for you.

...oh yeah! And there's the time you think it's her writhing around in latex but it turns out to be him in her sexual fantasy. This chick is unhinged. This guy isn't even a cute femboy. He's just some guy with like hairy balls and stuff. The fuck.

Anyway. An evil man who calls himself The Plague wants to pin evil hacking schemes on our heroic hackers, and that's no good. And what kind of name is The Plague? What? You think you're cool because you gave yourself an edgy nickname? So lame. If you need some gimmicky edgelord name to get yourself over, you're a lost cause kiddo.


Anyway. Writing these reviews kinda makes me feel like God. Like I could hack the planet.

I'd be so good at it. I love to get on the computer and push buttons.
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