John Wick

Date: October 19th, 2021

John Wick is a movie that a lot of people like. It has a 7.4 on IMDB, and it's become a huge franchise that's now getting a spinoff series.

So that's why it was so jarring to me to find out that it's absolute dogshit.

Yeah. What the fuck are you people smoking? You liked this garbage? This shit barely had a plot. It just opens with Keanu Reeves with somehow less of a personality than he's ever had in any movie getting his dog murdered, and then that little bit of backstory is enough to justify the next hour and a half being nothing but him murdering people.

That's it. The dialogue in this movie is just people walk into a room, whisper "...John Wick..." and then leaving the room and then you get another scene that looks like gameplay from a third person shooter game. This movie had no fucking point.

At one point I'm pretty sure one of the scenes just ripped off a level in the Blade game for Xbox. Then the movie has the audacity to show somebody playing a first person shooter. Like, what the actual fuck.

I read a fan theory that this movie is tied to The Matrix. Yeah. Because some of the movie has green lighting, it's led some people to think John Wick is an incarnation of Neo that never woke up but still tapped into his powers as The One and used it to become a killing machine. That's a pretty interesting theory. I actually have a theory of my own: this movie fucking sucks and you people are retarded.

Now look, folks. If you like this movie, I'm not gonna tell you not to like it. I just don't respect you and I wish bad things would happen to people you care about. I feel like I wasted my time sitting through this shit. I don't often feel that way about movies. Usually I can find at least one redeeming factor in all of this. I guess I liked that Kevin Nash, Willem Defoe and John Leguizamo were in it... but that's about it. I just enjoyed seeing them and it barely lasted.

If I wanted to watch people running away screaming and getting shot, I'd watch the security camera footage of the Columbine shootings. This is just a waste of time.

I went off on a rant about this movie to a guy I know, who went on to mansplain to me that John Wick is a multiple chapter story, and that the first movie is just the beginning! Oh, my bad. See, I was used to trilogies existing because they told a really good story in the first movie and then people wanted more stories with the same characters so they decide to crank out more... But I guess in this modern Gen Z movie age, we apparently stretch out what should have been one single movie across three movies to milk money out of gullible fucktards who will accept whatever they're given.

I love Keanu Reeves, even though he doesn't shave the inside of his ass crack. Bill and Ted? Excellent. The Matrix? Eye opening. The Devil's Advocate? That's some radical shit. Johnny Mnemonic? Iconic. But John Wick sucks dick. I hated it and I couldn't even find any redeeming qualities in it whatsoever.