The Mighty Ducks

Date: January 6th, 2022

Do you like hockey?

Of course you do. We all do. We all love pucks and Emelio Estevez... That's how it's spelled, right? Amelio? Man. He should have changed his name to like Sheen or something.

So the dude that whatever-his-fucking-name is plays is a lawyer named uh, Lawyer Boy.

Yeah. Lawyer Boy.

That's when the fat kid from Heavyweights, JD from the Video Toy Chest VHS/Full House and several other children of varying odors are dicking about in the street to gawk at a dog's asshole.

Lawyer Boy gets sentenced to having to be the coach for The Mighty Mighty Ducktones or whatever the fuck their name is and they're a bunch of little assholes so they make it miserable for him. They even killed their old coach by making him so stressed he had a heart attack. Like, what the fuck.

It's one of those "a tale of a bunch of unlikeable assholes eventually learn to start liking each other through a group activity" movies.

But you know what really grinds my gears? One of the kids in this movie makes a reference to The Karate Kid and even does the "wack on, wack off" meme. Which really pisses me off. I like to imagine every movie I watch takes place in the same universe. I don't go for this MCU shit. I got my own VHSCU in my head, and this movie is FUCKING IT UP.

I mean, for real. Now when I watch a movie I have to wonder, "does this exist in the Karate Kid timeline or the Mighty Ducks timeline?" Everything's all fucked up now. I'm irate.

Hollywood can't fucking do anything right.

The kids get a superiority complex about being a duck, even making a kid feel like a big gay idiot for trying to join the team.

These ducks are racist against non-ducks.

Am I a duck? I do duckface in photos sometimes.

brb changing my website name to duckRaCcoOn.

...why wouldn't you do "human duck"?

Uh, because that sucks?