Date: August 25th, 2021

There is no greater trilogy of movies than the Sam Raimi Spider-Man movies. And since I just found out that our beloved Tobester is on his way back to Spidering (even if it is for that god awful MCU garbage), I find it only appropriate to put on DEM FILMS and finally write about them here on humanRaCcoOn.

No joke, there was a point where I would watch all three of these movies multiple times a week. They are an obsession of mine.

It helps too that the stunt double for Mary-Jane (Jeri Habberstad) was my substitute art teacher in second grade and even brought in a web prop from the movie.

It was a steel cable wrapped in rubber webbing and I got to touch it.

Yes. The webs of Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man have been lucky enough to touch the hands of Majin Tween.

You're welcome.

I have legitimately made days at work go by faster by replaying the entire trilogy in my head. It's so good and I have it memorized. There was this kid at my last job who would randomly mention a brief description of a scene from one of the movies and demand that I recite what happens next in great detail, and I always did, and he's mark out like a bitch for it.

Whenever I see the opening bit where Peter gets bit by a radioactive spider and decides "hm... this looks infected. Guess I'll die!" it just reminds me of an old Patton Oswalt bit where he said like, "it's a good thing a cool insect bit him and it wasn't like a radioactive dung beetle."

Uncle Ben looks into computer anal ISIS and then Peter gets all jacked and shit. Maybe that's the secret. They want us to get the COVID vaccine so we don't become COVID Man and save the world. The villains that run this country don't wanna see a hero make it, maaaaannn.

It's so weird to me that the cafeteria thing happens where Peter has a literal web ejecting from his wrist and dragging a lunch tray, and then does a literal backflip and punches the bully in the chest. But nobody retains that information when Spider-Man crops up and is like "hey remember that kid with the exact same body type and voice who did all that spider shit in high school?"

But, you know. Go off or whatever the kids say these days.

The point is, this is the greatest movie ever made until I say some other movie is the greatest ever made.

I have no dog in the fight. I just want to smoke weed with Mary-Jane.

Hits from the booooooooong.