Toy Story

Date: November 5th, 2021

You ever shove acid tabs into your mouth and then get insanely paranoid that your toys are alive and plotting to kill you?

Well, paranoia be damned: it's true. All of your toys are alive. I learned that in the 1995 documentary Toy Story.

This movie tells the story of Woody: a cowboy (baybeeeee) who has been treated like a pile of garbage by his human owner Andy, who throws him to the floor once he gets the cooler Buzz Lightyear toy.

Buzz has it all. He's got big, meaty muscles. The lady toys love him. All the boy toys wanna be him. I'm pretty sure Andy would stick his dick in this thing if it had an open hole. It's horrible. But, Woody hatches a plan: murder.

Yes. Woody rigs up a Rube Goldberg-type scenario to launch Buzz out the window and be done with this bullshit.

...and it would have worked too, if it wasn't for those meddling toys who witnessed the attempted murder and get mad at Woody.

The movie goes through an adventure of them getting stranged in the neighbor kid's dogshit house where they're gonna get blown up, but they scare the everyloving fuck out of him and make him pee in his pants and he decides not to kill them. It's truly a beautiful story, especially considering Andy learns to love both toys after he thinks he's lost them.

So the moral of this movie is that you should make people lose things they care about so they stop taking them for granted.

Which is why I've kidnapped your grandmother and strapped her to a rocket.