Date: October 10th, 2020
Madonna's Borderline is a very important song in the history of Human Raccoon. After all, the very first skit, which was broadcast on GameCenter DXM, has Madonna punting a child into the sky while the song plays.
While Creamer by Limp Bizkit is officially the theme song of Human Raccoon, Borderline is sort of the birth song. So it's only appropriate to go back to it for the webzine portion of the site.
God. Look at how Madonna is staring this fucking kid down. You can tell, even back then, she wanted to punt this little fucker into outer space.
That's what we do: make dreams come true.
So Madonna and crew are dancing like a bunch of assholes in the middle of the street, when a photographer shows up and tells Madonna he'd really like to photograph her alone in a hotel room while she's completely naked.
Clearly, this worked.
The guy gives Madonna his card, but one of her gay dancers steals it from her, because that's what homosexuals do: take away women's dreams.
What we find out though, is that this guy isn't one of her gay backup dancers: he's her gay boyfriend!
And boy howdy, he is JEALOUS.
The video depicts him as being a jerk for acting jealous about Madonna and the photographer, even though she is clearly shown snowballing with him during a photoshoot. I have a feeling that was only the start of it. How else do you think she got on MTV?
You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline.
Oh. That's what happened. See, she had to cheat on her boyfriend because he pushed her love over the borderline.
That makes sense.
She winds up cornering him outside a bar and wanting to mack on his cheese, but he turns away dramatically because the stench of the photographer's balls on her tongue is far too much for any man to take.
This disappoints Madonna, who kicks a pole in classic "aw drats" fashion.
Like, dude. You cheated on him. You dumb whore.
He's just gonna go fuck Lady Gaga and get the same experience.
Then, while doing an edgy photoshoot, she legitimately tags his fucking car with a can of spraypaint.
Like, holy shit. Look at him. He's legitimately about to kill this bitch.
How do you make such an unlikeably protagonist in a 3 minute story that's entirely made up of singing a pop song?
Holy fucking shit.