Date: October 11th, 2020
Those who have followed Human Raccoon for any length of time has probably figured out that Hannah Montana is essentially a mascot of the site. I collect tons of Hannah Montana merch, which has transitioned into Miley Cyrus merch.
It's funny. Despite being totally against modern music, for some reason whenever Miley puts something out I totally get into it. Plus, she's super hot. I've had a crush on her since Hannah Montana first hit the airwaves, and we're around the same age so really, the ladyboner in my soul has grown with her. It's really touching. We're like those couples that grew up together, except she has no idea who I am and I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole because she's riddled with AIDS.
But anyway. This is the first entry in "Who Wore It Better?", the new feature where I go through fashions of celebrities (or celebrity-like substances) and compare their fashions to those who they clearly were inspired by. Because, let's face it. Joan Rivers is dead. Her body is rotting in a grave, and it's filling up with liquified rubber. So the most trusted female name in dickshaming people for their fashion choices is gone. It's up to ME to remedy this.
Let's do it.
First, before we get into the actual comparisons, I'd like to pay some attention to this outfit:
Miley is dressed exactly like a strong, confident black woman who loves Jesus and fat cock, and not necessarily in that order. I'm talking those girls whose only contribution to a conversation is to go "haaaayyyyy!" But I digress. Let's get into it.
First up. Who wore it better? Miley Cyrus or Britney Spears?
In my opinion, everyone should wear latex as daywear every day. There's no reason for anyone to dress so gross and boring. Both ladies have gone full-red body suit. Both are rocking it very well.
This is hard, because Britney Spears is literally perfect and can do nothing wrong. But, I have to give this round to Miley.
Miley's suit has a vagina with teeth on the outside. As if to say, "nah dude" to all the grodie boys who think they have a shot with her. I fully agree with that. Women belong in relationships with women, and men belong in padded cells.
Next up, we have Miley borrowing her look from this wacked out motherfucker. It's been a while since I watched Don't Hug Me, I'm Scared. So I don't quite remember this dude's name. But he is rocking the kush ball look. Miley's is all wet and grimey. She looks like someone found her in the bottom of the dumpster. So I have to give it to the DHMIS dude on the principal that he's dry.
Next up, Miley Cyrus vs. Big Bossman.
Big Bossman is the belle of the ball. What a badass. Look at him. You can tell he confiscates the coke of wrestlers in the locker room just to do it himself.
However, I have to give it to Miley. Why? Because she's giving us a little tit meat, where as Bossman was selfish and didn't share any of his tit meat with the class.
Alright. Now we've got Miley Cyrus vs. A Literal Toddler in a very messy round.
Literal Toddler is the belle of the bal--- alright, I'm sorry. I like Anthony Jeselnik.
The toddler is a fucking moron. Look how messy he is eating that spaghetti. What a douchebag. I never make that much of a mess eating spaghetti, unless I'm engaging in some sort of spaghetti bukkake, but that's only on Saturday nights and I'm writing this on a Wednesday.
I gotta give it to Miley Cyrus. She's seductively sucking a banana and soaked in glitter. What a way to spend an afternoon. I gotta give her props on this one.
Which leads us to our final round for this entry.
Holy white trash dumpster fire. Miley Cyrus, or Sandy Kane?
It's... it's gotta be Kane!
The reason I'm giving this round to Sandy Kane, is she is absolutely trying her best to be as hot as possible. She's an older lady, she's a bit of a mental case, but she's got passion. Miley, on the other hand, is really doing herself a disservice by presenting herself like this. I don't respect making yourself look shitty on purpose.
Miley Cyrus, you are a goddamn mess. Never stop.